The Third Night: The Mountebankes

…when Supper was done, and Quéene Aurelia, and the most Honourable of the company had taken places upon a Scaffold made for the nonce, there mounted a Mountebanke, his neck be chayned with live Adders, Snakers, Eau’ts and twentie sundry kinde of venymous vermines, whose mortall stringes taken away by Arte, and with him a Zanni and other Actors of pleasure: who presented themselves onely with a single desire to recreate Segnior Philoxenus and his whorty company : and not with the intent of common Montenbankers, to deceive the people with some unprofitable Merchiandise.

In the middest of this pastime an ancient Gentleman (of the Societie) seeing this Viperous Beasts, by cunning usage, to be made so Domesticke and affable, whether it were upon an impression of his owne griefe, or of the experience he had of another mans Plague, I know not: but sure I am, he burst into these passions. God, (quoth he) of what mettal is a womans toung, which Correction cannot chastise, nor lenitie quiet, when these dumb Serpents by the one or the other are tamde? Marie (quoth a pleasant companion) it is made of the same metall that Virgils Brasen Flayle was of, which strooke both his friend and foes

But (quoth the Gentleman) Virgil know, and thought others how to pacific this engine. It is true (quoth the other) but in teaching the secrete unto his servant, cost him own life. So a woman knowes how to holde her tongue, by having of her will, but if a man thinke to stay it, he must beate her to death. A young youth named Phrisio , thinking to winne the Spurres, by building a Fortresse for women, who have no weapons but their tongues, to defend and offend, tooke upon Imn, to prove a chiding wife, thogh shée bée a little unpleasant, both profitable and necessary: his reasons weer these.

Unsavourie receits turne to holsome affects: the strongest Poyson is pleasant in taste, and the remedie for the poysone, offendeth the mouth with tartenesse: Nettles that stinges tha hande, maketh Pottage to comfort the heart: the blood of the Scorpion cureth the biting of the Viper. If poysoned, unpleasant, and bitter thinges retayne a vertue for the benefite of man: in my imagination (quoth he) an unquiet wife is not unprofitable though she be a little unpleasant: Her anger Keepeth servants an awe, and her quicknesse oversseth their negligence: if her tung runne at riot, where she hunts there is store of abuse, qhich must be chased either with blowes or words: if that fury of her speech offend her Husband, it is like that her outrage groweth from his fault: and where an iniury is offered, it is sufferable, if the wrong be blamed: but which maketh a full for her furious mood: as the clowdy and rainy day lightly cléered towards night: even so, though she bitterly scowld at boord, she will be sure to sweetly a bed.

The ancient Gentleman commending the quick wit of this yong Gentleman, used this circumstance before he refelled his error. Ah (quoth he) if wit were as advised in Iudgement, as he is ready in conceite, his imaginations would turne to wonderfull effects: but as fairest colours soonest staine, as swéetest flowers are blasted with a breath: as beautifull creatures, are blemished with a little care, as the brightest Sun threatned suddaine raine: yea, as every mortall thing his imperfection: even so, with being mortall, and assigned by Nature, to make man glorious above ither creatures, by rashness corrupt the ripenes of his conceites, and to good purpose, his pride is thus abated: for otherwise, man which inioyeth wit to worship his Creator, and to live content with the liberties of the sea, and to kéepe him within the limits of the earth, would search the secrets of heaven: and I think dispossesse Pluto of hell.

Young Gentleman (quoth he) I use not this ceremony to represse your liberty pf spéech: for the errour of your rashness. I will refell with reasons and experience: but léest héer after you should be as arrogant in opinion, as you are ripe in conceite: I have thought good, friendly and briefly to signifie your imperfection: and now to answere your late suggestion.

I affirm that Nature hath create nothing to a neéedlesse purpose, but not withstanding our abuse, or mischance, changeth hurtfull things into occasions of our help: surfite, and sicknes only, commendeth Medicine: and as you affirme, the blood af a Scorpion, cureth the biting of the Viper.

But take away the cause, which procéedeth from our greefe, and you shall finde medicine as an enemy to health: and the stinge of a Scorpion no better them death: and trust me, he is to be reckoned a foole, and his misfortune to passe unrelieved, that wilfully indammageth his health in hope of remedy. In like sort, let him live unpittied, to oversee the flacknesse of his servants, who will marry a wife, whose tung shall over-rule himselfe. But more particularly to describe the proèerties of an unquiet wife, and more largerly to discourse the displeasures of her unfortunate husband: I will approove her lowing as unprofitable, as his life is unpleasant: you say her quicknesse overseeth the negligence of servants: but I affirme, tha her courtnesse maketh them as swift ti runne away, as they were slowe to serve her, and common use auowes that often shift is neither beneficiall for Maister no servant: for proofe, as the rowlimg Stone gathereth no Mosse, and want of use canckereth Iron, in likewise thrift flyeth the fleeting Servant, and idleness consumeth his ability of service. Now touching the evil reckoning of those which are served: their wandering servants not only charge their common accounts, with double wages, but with secret pilfering, they set their masters in more déepe arrerages, The Grecians that in times past neither used medicine for sicknesse, nor patience in adversitie, but upon every great veration, poisoned themselves with venomous Cienta. In their Histories remember more, that have voluntarily died, trough the violence their Wives tunges, then of any other calamity. Diogenes being demaunded the diversity if an evill, betwéene a scold and a harlot? Answered: They differ as the Viper doth from the crockdill: for the scolde faith he, with outrage destroyeth her Husband, and the other with dissembling love, consumeth him to death. And to concluded the both enemies to life, and quiet living of man. Phrisio being both modestly warned, and thoroughly answered, with a blushful grace replayed: that the gravity of his person, and the sound reason in his wordes, had taken from him al occasion of further Question, unles that women were his Iudges.

This wittie shift moued such as were within the hearing to smile, for where the cause is ill, it is necessary to séeke a Iudge that is partiall, and which commemded Phrisios government, upon a small check he left to contend with this ancient Gentleman: for young men although their wittes be good, are not priviledged to dispute with the grauer sort, without licence, intrearie, or great reverence.

By this time the Mountebanke with decribing the qualities of his vermin, and the Zanni in shewing the knavish conditions of his Maister, had wasted a good part of the night, and wearied the most part of the company, so that desire of repose, summoned them unto their lodgings.